


Smile

by WastefulPhoenix



Series: Ankira [1]
Category: THE iDOLM@STER
Genre: Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-31
Updated: 2017-03-31
Packaged: 2018-10-13 10:22:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10511817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WastefulPhoenix/pseuds/WastefulPhoenix
Summary: Anzu encounters troubles that lead to making her relationship with Kirari difficult.





	

When I got the news I felt as if my heart had dropped to the bottom of my feet. Normally, I’d ignore my phone in the morning, but they called repeatedly for 20 minutes straight, so I was forced to roll out of bed and answer it. You hear about this kind of thing on TV a lot and of course the feeling isn’t as strong when it happens to someone else. At most, you might say ‘That’s terrible, I feel so sorry for them’ and maybe turn to another channel or boot up a game to distract yourself from it. I think that it takes the accident happening to you, to really feel it. Today, well more so last night, it happened to my parents. Your average bad car accident that you catch wind of once a week or so. The kind where the car is unrecognizable afterwards.  
I didn’t really know what to do at first, but options were presented to me immediately from the lawyer on the other end of the line. This didn’t only sicken me emotionally or physically, but also my living situation.  
“Ms.Futaba, I am sorry for your loss, but we need to sort out money.”  
“Is that all you care about right now?!” I stomped my feet in frustration, tempted to throw my phone at the wall.  
“I understand that you are frustrated right now, but I need to let you know that you’re not in either of their wills.”  
Ah. It didn’t take me more than a few seconds of thoughtful silence to figure that out despite the nausea and disgust running through my body. If I wasn’t in their will that meant my money would run out soon and I couldn’t pay rent which meant I’d have to leave. Idolwork didn’t pay me too much directly yet and there was no way I’d suddenly become famous enough to make a load of money to live by myself.  
“Ms.Futaba?” The lawyer, worried by my silence called to me, breaking the train of calculations in my head.  
“I—“ The sound of a key turning across the apartment was like a slap in the face.  
Quickly, I hung up the phone, put it on silent and made a quick run to the bathroom and locked the door. Everything was bad timing today. I’d gotten so distracted that I’d forgotten that Kirari normally came to get me around this time. Ah, looking at myself in the mirror it was obvious I was crying.   
The first thing that popped up in my head as I heard those heavy footsteps make their way around the house was that stupid smile Kirari always wore. I couldn’t tell her what happened. I didn’t want to ruin that smile. I was sure that it was selfish of me. I just didn’t want to see her frown. I needed that smile to get through the days even before this accident.  
“Oh, you’re in the bathroom?” The steps had stopped outside the door, knocking on it lightly to get my attention.  
I’d immediately gotten to brushing my teeth and cleaning my face, trying hard to hide any evidence of discomfort I possibly could. I couldn’t let my heart sink any further by making her sad right along with me. I wanted her to keep being the ray of sunshine that she normally was. Kirari inherited all the energy I didn’t have when I was born, I’m sure.  
“Is my bathroom off-limits?” I asked in the most playful tone I could muster. Maybe it was too much since she seemed to notice immediately.  
“Oooh. You’re up early and filled with energy today! Did something good happen to Anzu-chan?” At the same time as she said that, a somewhat healing giggle echoed from behind the door.  
“I figured I wouldn’t hassle you today, is all.” I was lying through my teeth, but she seemed to really appreciate that I’d try to be ready before she arrived. She made the familiar ‘Nyowa’ and then I heard some kinda pattering and a squeal from outside the door. Sometimes she danced a bit when she got excited. It was the kind of thing I needed right now.  
The moment I opened the door to walk out, I became a rag doll flying through the air. Kirari’s habit of throwing me around as if I was some sort of toy would probably never end. I think my body was durable enough to survive some of those test that astronauts went through. When she hugged me close, I made the mistake of hugging her back. Of course, she took notice of this and tilted her head with a questioning ‘nyowa’.  
“Are you okay?” She asked without looking at me, just rubbing her cheek against mine. As usual, she was seeing right through me, but we couldn’t have that today.  
“I’m not allowed to hug my girlfriend?” I could feel the warmth in her cheeks rise against my own instantly. She was funny about this kind of stuff. If you mentioned anything about our relationship, sometimes she’d do an adorable stutter.  
“I-I..Yes! But, more often than not you normally let me be the affectionate one…” Her voice got lower and lower with every word as if she was trying to hide from me. “Y-you’re the affectionate one at night…”  
I normally just didn’t have the energy to deal with her in the morning, but I needed something to cling to right now. Perhaps I could hide everything behind redirecting her questions for now, but she wasn’t stupid by any means. I felt bad playing on her emotions, but it was nicer to see her be happy than anything else.

Once we got to the office, I made an excuse about having to go talk to Chihiro about something and detached myself from Kirari. I tried my best to look like I wasn’t in any form of rush, but I don’t think I did a very good job. I ended up slamming the door behind me a little once I got to the Producer’s office and quickly took my seat.  
“Futaba-san….” Judging by his tone of voice, he already knew what had happened. As usual, he scratched the back of his neck, but couldn’t find any real words to say. He’d changed a lot over time, but I could understand how he was speechless now.  
“Producer, could you help me?” I stared him right in the eyes, clapping my hands together in front of my face in a form of prayer.  
“However possible. The other idols will help you as well. We’re all here for you.”  
“It has to be just me and you, Producer. I don’t want anyone else to know.”  
Naturally, he was silent for a few moments before giving a small nod of affirmation and speaking.  
“How may I help you, Futaba-san?”  
“At most, I can live here another two months with the money I have. After that, I’ll need to move with family far away from here, mostly likely. I’m not on either of their wills. Probably because I was super lazy and irresponsible and I’ve only slightly grown out of it after all this time. I deserve that at the end of the day… But, I also want to attend their funeral when it’s scheduled. I also might need days off to grieve sometimes. Do you think you could pay for the funeral, Producer? And make excuses for me when I can’t be around? And keep it a secret from everyone?”  
This was a lot to ask of him, I knew. I was not only asking him for money, but asking for lies at the same time. I knew this was a ticking timebomb and I probably wouldn’t get out unscathed, especially with Kirari… Even with all of this, I was much more worried about her than myself.   
“….I can make arrangements with Director Mishiro if I try. However, I don’t think keeping things between us a good idea. I think you should tell everyone and take the time off you need before you leave.” He started typing immediately after he spoke.  
The Producer knew exactly what I should be doing, but that just wasn’t an option for me right now. If there was an option where I could keep Kirari out the mix I’d take it, but there wasn’t one that I could think of.  
“I can’t do that, Producer.” I said sheepishly, playing with my thumbs.  
“May I ask why?”  
“I can’t say.” I shook my head. I didn’t want to give him a target of any sort. “I’ll repay you by working extra hard if you’d like. I know funerals are expensive, but maybe I can earn it.” I threw on my best fake smile. Jobs would keep me busy which would in turn give less chances for Kirari to have to deal with me.  
“I’ll…try my best to help you, Futaba-san.” Were his final words to me before I bowed and quickly left to get back to Kirari while I could.

Over the next month, the producer had certainly done what he had said he would. He’d managed to get a lot of solo gigs for me and kept his lips shut about the accident and my whereabouts. The funeral was the hardest part to deal with. Not only did I cut into my budget to buy the funeral clothes, I didn’t know whether to cry or not. Every time I felt the need to, I had to question myself. Did I even deserve to cry here? It was my laziness and only wanting to live for myself that put me in the position I was in right now. So, crying wasn’t the answer. Changing my attitude was.  
By the time I got home, it was already late. Without even noticing the lights on beneath the door, I slowly unlocked my door and drudged in only to have a familiar song whispered into my ear.  
“Anzu-chan!”   
Immediately, I was turned into a ragdoll again in Kirari’s loving embrace and writhing. As I was spun around in a circle the contents of my small bag flew all over the floor of the room. Because of that, I couldn’t even take comfort in this hug. She’d notice the funeral attire in a few moments and the small framed pictures that flew across the room to god knows where. I didn’t think she’d be waiting for me at home.  
“We haven’t spent much time together, so I figured I’d spend the night and make you food, nyowa! So, I made dinner. I’ve been kinda lonely so I—“ Maybe she cut herself off because either she finally took the time to look over what I was wearing or she noticed that my eyes were glued to the floor. Regardless, I couldn’t face her. “Anzu-chan? What kind of job did you go to today?”  
Instantly, her voice had lost any of the sunshine or happiness behind it. It was curious, but kind of stoic at the same time. Over time I might’ve started avoiding her subconsciously. Getting up early and getting to the office before she could, making sure we didn’t have the same gigs together. It took that moment to realize that I’d truly been handling this situation completely wrong.  
“I…went to my parent’s funeral today, Kirari.” There was no point in lying and maybe I could still salvage this somehow if I just left some details out.  
Kirari gently set my feet on the floor. I was sure she was looking straight through me. She very likely knew what I was thinking and was about to yell at me or something.  
“Why didn’t you tell me? When did they…How….” Her voice was cracking, but I still couldn’t look at her. I knew whatever she was feeling right now wasn’t for my parents, but for me. I didn’t even deserve it, though.   
“Last month. In a car accident.”  
“Why didn’t you tell me?” She’d suddenly crouched down in front of me, trying to match my height and put a hand under my chin, forcing me to make eye contact as if she were my mother. The look on her face wasn’t one of sadness as I’d thought, but anger. I’d actually never seen her mad before, I could never even imagine it. I thought her smile was permanent.   
“I-I…” As long as she was looking at me as if I was the worst thing in the world I couldn’t even form words at the moment. I felt like all of that cuteness she normally had had suddenly converted into scorn.  
“Is that why you haven’t been around? Did you think you couldn’t confide in me? Have I been that bad of a partner?” Her hands went to my shoulders and her expression softened just a little into sadness. She thought this was her fault. Of course she did, I hadn’t actually been thinking about her feelings at all.  
“I just…wanted you to smile. I didn’t want you to be sad with me. I’m sorry.” I’m bit into my lip, struggling hard to hold back tears. I moved forward a little in attempt to hug her, but she backed off a step towards the bubbling pots on the stove.   
“Anzu-chan, but you lied to me. I have never lied to you. You’re the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, y’know? The only person I was sure accepted me, so I don’t understand.” She shook her orange hair about hard as if that’d solve all the mistakes I’d made in the last month.  
“Kirari, I just—“  
“You just wanted me to smile, right?! Is all I’m good for smiling to you?! I have other emotions too. Like, I’m angry that you’re barely affectionate with me outside sex, that you barely give me attention when I want it unless you’re in the mood and how I feel like if I ever show you anything outside a happy face you’ll want nothing to do with me!”  
I had no idea she felt that way. I knew she was sensitive, but I’d never seen her actually express herself like this before. I’d never even seen her cry like she was right now, or scream at me at the top of her lungs. I’d never truly considered her negative emotions and now they were all directed right towards me.  
“I’m sorry…” Was all I truly say to that. I had no excuses whatsoever. “I thought that you accepted my behavior….”  
“I do.” She shook her head, trying to wipe tears from her eyes with one arm, going to turn off the stove with the other. “But, you know, Anzu-chan, I hate being alone and you’ve been making me feel that way since we got together.”  
Ah….I guess, now would be the time to tell her. But, the very idea caused a new wave of nausea to radiate through my limbs. I had to leave in a month and then she’d really be alone. I couldn’t bear to hurt her anymore tonight. I didn’t want to see it anymore. I’m sorry, Kirari.   
“It’s your smile that normally gets me through my days, Kirari.” That’s when the tears started to run down my face as well. Fueled by a combination of guilt, fear of rejection and disgust in myself, I did my best to act as if our relationship was the only problem at hand. “That’s why I wanted to keep it so much. I don’t think I could’ve held on this long if I didn’t have a constant image of you smiling in my head. Your smile isn’t all you mean to me, but I took you for granted, I know. My parents didn’t put me in their will. You’re the only person I have left.”  
You don’t have to be an evil person, or even tell lies to play on someone’s emotions. I was doing nothing but telling the truth right now, but it felt disgusting. I was manipulating her again as if she hadn’t just explained everything to me. I was doing this out of love, but of course there was selfishness mixed in. That’s the kind of person I am. I didn’t deserve someone like Kirari as my partner, but I wanted to keep her anyway.  
Kirari had turned around after checking the food and walked back over to me, getting down to my level to look me in the eyes again. She didn’t hide that she was crying or that she was angry with me. Maybe she was trying to burn her puffy, yet angry eyes into my mind so that I’d never forget them. I wasn’t too sure, but she started to wipe the tears from my eyes gently before raising her hand. At first I thought she was going to pet my head and console me, but instead it came in the form of a slap so hard that I fell onto the floor.  
“Huh?” I lied there for a moment, dumbstruck as Kirari towered over me the next second. People had compared us to david and goliath before, but, as I held my face, I truly felt as if she was about to step on me.  
“That’s how it feels that you lied to me about something so important. I don’t know how to turn it into words, but I hope that tells you.”  
Then, sending as many mixed messages as possible, Kirari got down and hugged me tightly, this time actually petting my head. She nuzzled herself into my neck and held me close, rubbing my back at the same time. I really didn’t deserve this woman. Her almost taking my head off with a single slap couldn’t even make me just tell her the final thing I had to say. I was just delaying the final nail in the coffin right now. Maybe I was so small because I took the terrible parts of her when she was born. That’d make sense.  
“Let’s eat, okay? Crying and yelling builds up an appetite, nyowa.” The iconic ‘nyowa’ sounded a bit apologetic this time, yet also weak, but she went to make my food anyway.  
Surprisingly, we didn’t eat in silence. Of course, it wasn’t as if tonight hadn’t happened, either. It wasn’t bright and bubbly, but it wasn’t sad and awkward, either. Small conversation about the jobs we’d both had recently sometimes filled the air as to lighten up the mood a little. We setup a small shrine in my room for my parents afterwards and prayed to it before our bath together. Kirari afterwards immediately suggested ‘make-up sex’. Her idea was that it’d be healthy for our relationship down the line. At this point, I wasn’t going to reject anything she’d ask of me, so I did it anyway despite knowing there was no way for me to atone for what I was doing.  
***

The next several weeks were very difficult. I realized there was no way to move out of my house without Kirari noticing me packing up everything, so I packed up the bare minimum into a suitcase. I was out of money now except for food money and my train ticket. I was going to live with my cousins for now. If I worked for them on their farm, I could make a living doing something eventually. Maybe I could even join another idol agency down the line. No, then Kirari would see me. If I didn’t do something with myself, I could never live off the guilt that had plagued me every second of the day.   
Every time Kirari smiled at me, instead of healing, I wanted to just shrivel up in a corner or run away. She’s been as present as possible in my life since the night she hit me. She’s slept over, made me food, made sure I got up on time to go to work and overall made sure that I wasn’t doing too much alone or without her assistance. Honestly, I’m sure I created a much larger rift in our relationship than I’d thought I had that night. I was fairly certain she had trust issues now, especially regarding me. Or maybe she was just trying to apologize in her own way, by showing me she can be trusted too.  
Today was the day I needed to leave and here she was, lying down right beside me, quietly snoozing in the nude. The sun shone on her just enough that it properly showed her for the angel in disguise that she was… Was I really just going to hurt her again? Was I going to sneak out without saying anything and just vanish? I hadn’t even told the Producer where I was going, just so she wouldn’t be able to find me… No… Even I wasn’t that selfish… I could at least redeem myself somewhat on my final day with her.   
“Kirari….” My mouth had gone dry almost instantly. Flashes of her face a month ago shot through my mind. I really didn’t want to see that again, but I owed her this much.  
“Hmmm…nyo..wa…” She rustled a bit, but didn’t open her eyes, instead pulling a blanket over her shoulders.  
“Kirari, I have to leave.” I nudged her shoulder, which granted me a single open, but unfocused eye in my direction.  
“I’ll go to the store. It’s your day off. Want breakfast in bed?” Drowsily, she asked, starting to stretch a little.   
Ah, this might actually kill me. My heart was already feeling as if it’d explode and I was shaking like a leaf. Could I do this?  
“I…I…” I closed my eyes tightly. I couldn’t bear to see her face. “I’m moving Kirari. Far away. I won’t be coming back. I have to leave in an hour. I can’t afford to stay here anymore.”  
Silence. I clenched my teeth. She might hit me again after all. But, nothing came for an entire minute. So, hesitantly, I opened my eyes to find her staring at me without at a single expression on her face. I had no idea what she was thinking, or how she was feeling, but I stared back.  
“I just thought about it. Your parents were paying your rent and most of your food. And you weren’t in their will, so you’ve been broke all this time. You were on a time limit since they passed, right?”  
“Yes…” I stared into her eyes and saw the clear look of terror in the reflection. It wasn’t out of pride or anything, but I felt giving her less than my all at this moment meant that I was adding insult to injury.   
“So, you’ve known you had to leave me all this time. Even last month, when I thought we started to patch things back up, you still kept a secret from me.”  
“Yes…”  
“You still didn’t ask me for help. Even at the last hour we supposedly had together. You don’t ask to live with me, or if I could roommate with you or we could get different jobs and split it down the middle. We have friends. Kanako and Chieri could sell things and we could gather money slowly. You were just going to leave. Why?”  
“I…don’t deserve it, Kirari. The reason I’m in this situation is because I’m lazy and selfish. If I ask for help, I’m not going to change.”  
“So, you kill me slowly in the process in exchange then? I guess you wouldn’t know how it feels to try your best for someone and still get nothing in return, so I can’t blame you. I tried being positive and available whenever you needed me, but if you don’t want the help, I can’t force it on you. I just want you to be happy, but you aren’t interested.”   
Not only was I speechless, but I broke the eye contact after hearing that. I genuinely felt like I’d been stabbed in the chest. Somehow I felt like she already knew I was still hiding something from her until today. Her tone was accepting and her explanation was clear and didn’t sound emotional. At least it was for a moment.  
“Please don’t go.” When I heard the quiet sniffles and heaves come from her, I craned my neck so I wouldn’t have to see it. I’d hate myself even more if I had to experience that again. “Please. You can come live with me. I’ll sleep on the floor, you can have the bed if you want. I’ll work enough for both of us… If you leave me, what am I going to do, Anzu-chan? I love you and I think you love me despite being rough around the edges. I think we need each other, just please. Stay here.”  
“…Kirari…I don’t think—“ Using all of her weight, she’d hugged me in a fashion that felt more like a tackle than anything else. It wasn’t long before I was pinned to the bed by my wrists and her tears fell onto my face. Resist as I might, I wasn’t stronger than she was of course.  
“I won’t let you leave me. I don’t know how to appeal to you anymore, Anzu-chan. But, you seem to want to punish yourself, so let me do it for you.”  
“Huh?”   
“We can quit being idols and we’ll get jobs together. We’ll find somewhere cheap and small to live and that’ll be that. I’m not letting you run because you wouldn’t let me run if I tried. Is that okay?” She was pleading with me from the bottom of her heart and it showed in her eyes.   
There was no reason for me to bring Kirari down with me, I felt. In fact, that was the last thing I wanted to do, but maybe that was part of her point. Leaving with her felt like much too good of a deal, though. My selfishness made me really consider taking that deal and also led to my decision.  
“Okay…Together.”  
A gasp that I was sure could be heard even outside echoed from Kirari and then I was quickly crushed between her breasts and arms to the point I felt she’d snap my spine. Part of me felt a bit of relief and part of me felt so guilty for all the torture I’d been putting her through only for it to end in this manner.  
“Thank you so much, Anzu-chan! I promise we’ll be fine and I’ll do my best to make sure we’re happy together. Please, no more secrets. My happy little heart can’t take any more pain.”  
As if I’d flipped a switch, she’d gone back to being all bubbly and cuddly. She’d even slipped a knee between my legs as if wanting to celebrate, but I quickly clenched my thighs shut. Now was not the time for sex. Kirari of course didn’t take that lightly, and gave me a cute glare in response.   
“You’re not allowed to deny me anything I ask from now on, understand? That’s part of your punishment. First rule is no more lying or secrets ever again.” She forced her knee through my thighs this time, her nose quickly nuzzling against mine. “Two is that you never make me feel like this again. I’m sorry for hitting you, but I wanted to do so much more that night. I’m cute and shouldn’t have to do things like that.”  
I nodded confidently. Instead of being the most selfish thing on the planet, I could just live for Kirari and nothing else. That was enough for me to repay her, I’d hope. Maybe over the course of life I could get her to trust me again.  
Overtime Kirari laid down more rules which only got more and more silly as she went on. They ranged from having to handcraft her a new accessory every week to promising that we’ll go back to idoling once I’d learned my lesson. She was a simple giant overall. She made how she felt as clear as possible for me as her lecture slowly advanced into her quite roughly having her way with me.

The transition from idoling wasn’t easy for quite a few reasons. For one, our sudden decision to quit really mixed up business and schedules for the rest of the girls across the board. Miku in particular didn’t take it too well and we ended up getting into a small fight because of that. However, Kirari broke that one up herself. It was the first time I’d ever seen Kirari use her size for intimidation. It was also the first time I’d ever seen Miku back off from a challenge.  
Overall, we were mostly seen off in an okay manner. Job searching was easier for us than we thought it’d be. We mainly used our names as idols and people were swarming in to hire us for the sake of advertising and business. Even if we weren’t officially idols anymore, they didn’t need to know that. Money was money for us. Just saying that the iconic duo was working at your shop was enough to swoop in customers from all over.  
I was lucky enough that Kirari’s room was huge and her parents didn’t mind me staying there after I explained to them the situation about our relationship and my troubles. As long as I paid them, I could stay with Kirari in her room and even move my things in there. They were always very nice people and I appreciated the help a lot.  
It was about two years before our fame died down and we’d managed to gather enough money to live in our own small apartment. It was about the size of Kirari’s old room, but a lower ceiling. Kirari hit her head on everything in there. Getting from room to room she had to duck all the time or else she’d need a new band-aid for the day. At this point we’d moved to a new district, so we’d picked up new jobs. I worked in an office since I was good with numbers and Kirari found her way into a daycare. It seemed the kids saw her as something to climb, so she was happy her height let her fit in somewhere else.  
Kirari has been aggressively affectionate the entire way. I took her order that I can’t deny anything she asks for seriously, so I think she’s a little spoiled at this point. Sometimes I think we’ve changed places a little. She’s much more comfortable being lazy, but not to the point I used to be. She allows me to do things without hovering over me now because guilt isn’t the only thing that drives me anymore. I kinda want to prove myself to her now. I’ve never really thought of making anyone proud, even my parents, so starting here is a good idea.  
I never want her to look at me with such sadness. I don’t want anything to make her cry again, or to make her angry or feel any kind of pain. We had some conversations about how much it really hurt her that I didn’t act like I was truly into her, but that was mostly her interpretation of things. Kirari realized that she’d been a little selfish too and we somewhat laughed it off because it wasn’t nearly as bad as my mistakes. I love Kirari as much as she loves me, I just show it a different way.

**Author's Note:**

> My friend @rokettoenpitsuu on twitter made a suggestion about Kirari experiencing negative emotions strongly and I kinda just filled in the white spaces. Enjoy and feel free to talk to me about it. I'm interested in opinions. This is actually my second fanfic ever done.


End file.
